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12/3 Reflection

Today, we got feedback on our brochure essay that we were working on this whole semester. 
First, Mr. Paterson told us that our title is good. Since it’s a question it will work as a hook. We can break any rule in the title so questions are ok.
Then he started talking about the introduction and the first section. He first told us to put the reference for the survey, we should’ve put the link of it. He also taught us that even though it’s ok to use I in personal experience, we should use the authors’ names to make it more powerful and formal.
Next, he talked about the second section, which is mine. He first pointed out that I wrote too many examples that are hard to prove. I talked about the majority and I didn’t take any survey so I can’t prove it. I will change these mistakes. Mr. Paterson said to us that the word guide on the ground is very powerful since it has alliterations. We used this phrase a lot on purpose to make it powerful. So he told us to use “” to make it stand out more. 
Finally, he gave feedback about the last section and the conclusion. He first pointed out that the numbers should stay the same as if we use fractions then stick with fractions and is we use percentages then stick with percentages. To make it more clear. About the conclusion, he told us that the summary should be shorter and the conclusion should be longer. We should’ve written more about why people should care about this topic, we have to address the readers. This we need to fix immediately.
Overall he told us to be more careful about personal pronouns. Also, I should be careful not to start with the same words for sentences.
After we got our feedback I started fixing my second section. I fixed what I was told, and checked if there aren’t any more things that I can fix. I’m excited to put this essay into a brochure.

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